Friday, 9 December 2011

Elf AKA #occupychristmas - Eric's Review

Sammi gave me a list of 5 movies to choose from:

The Shining
Requiem for a Dream
Slumdog Millionaire
How the Grinch Stole Christmas

I decided that since I've seen all 5 movies I should start this blog off on a festive note. I picked Elf.
 I've seen the movie countless times but never drunk.

To give you a heads up on what this blog is about: I watch a movie  from a list that Sammi gives me and I then get drunk and watch it. I also will do the same for her and she'll in turn right a drunken review on the film she selected. This blog will involve pictures, texts, tweets, and videos. We are going all out on this blog.

Since this is a festive movie I decided to get into the festive spirit. I'm wearing a tie with happy faces and santa hats on it, and a mickey mouse santa claus hat that I have no idea where I got it from or how it became my possession. I have a feeling I stole it from a kid.

The first drink is Bailey and Eggnog:
The glass was about half bailey's and half eggnog. I didn't mix is very well and at first it was super smooth and I was quite surprised by all the alcohol towards the end. Needless to say it hit me pretty hard.

After finishing up the christmasnog (I just coined it.) I had a shot of sourpuss.
I'm pretty sure I tried all the different flavours of Sourpuss and Raspberry is by far the way to go. If you want to get all uppity about any other flavour of Sourpuss being better than Raspberry well all I can say is you're fucking retarded.

While drinking my first beer I sent off this text to Sammi:
I drank a shitload of baileys, did a shot of sourpuss and drinking this beer and then putting the movie on. I am so ready for christmas orgasms for my eyes.

The movie:
I've decided to drink only when the word elf is used, snow, christmas.
and after every beer I will do a shot.

If you haven't seen Elf, it's about a human, raised as an elf who goes to find his dad who's on the notty list and everyone hates christmas or something like that.


I drank about 20 times in the first 3 minutes
the title sequence is probably awesome for a 4 year old.. I'm 30 and I am bored as fuck right now.
is the nun one of the only birds that can't fly?
6 minutes in and I need to take a shot.

These elves are stupid. little buddy's diapers so they name him buddy?
fucking elves.

It's clever that the lack of christmas spirit makes the sleigh not fly, and it all started in the 60's.

Text to Sammi 10 minutes in: Baileys eggnog hotwings and beer bad combination.
I've also decided if I end up puking tonight there will be photo or video evidence.

you know buddy your father well he's on the notty list..
Yeah.. this is like the real dilemma of the movie or something? an older man not believing in christmas and he's all about business? seriously? Christmas Spirit isn't what everyone needs. Hell I have christmas spirit and that hasn't chipped away at my huge amount of debt. I can tell you right now, this very second that christmas spirit means something, to some people, but those people are like the 1%. us 99er's gotta work to make ends meet.. I'm going to occupy christmas. This is bullshit. I am protesting the rest of this movie and christmas.

Okay yeah the movie is still on.. but seriously, who has christmas spirit? do they lose it after the new year rolls over? does it hibernate? I don't get this.

I like to smile, it's my favourite. I love that line.

And in comes Zoey Deschenal. va va va va va va va va va va voom. I'd like to jingle her bells if you know what I mean.

Woah and Ted Danson's wife is in this? she's super hot. I'd like to jingle her bells.. oh wait nevermind.

When Zoey is singing Baby it's cold outside (which is by far the creepiest songs ever recorded. The dude is trying to date rape some chick.)  It's a very sweet moment. Also, Zoey's band She & Him recorded a christmas album which has Baby it's cold outside but she sings the part of the man. It's a mind fuck. She's date raping M. Ward.

Is that Artie Lang as the fake santa? that's all kinds of wrongs.

I'm not going to lie, this movie has funny and sweet moments. I'm just part of the 99er's club, I'm occupying christmas and if I cave in, then what am I? one of the ones? I can't be that guy.

According to Elf, to get a book from being approved to getting it published, on the shelves, and to have the numbers out takes about 2 days. Talk about fast tracking. I still can't get anyone to read my fucking blog and this dude's putting out books and getting numbers back?

55 minutes in time for another shot.

I tweeted this and I've been getting new followers and feedback thanks to @kikiplanet:
so my drunken movie review has gotten a little side track... I've decided to occupy christmas.

I think this could be a movement. How does one occupy christmas? Do I hang out at a nativity scene?
this guy started following me: @anirishgayman he suggested I start selling my body to make ends meet. Now if that's not the christmas spirit I don't know what is. (also I am worth 300 on the first line and 50 for the extras)

Miles Finch, the golden goose. AKA the dude in Game of thrones that rocks.

I do appreciate the sweetness of this, okay okay, I do have a sweet spot for christmas.. don't tell anyone. I'm trying to #occupychristmas

By the way, James Caan is the only actor in the world to be in a mafia movie, a stephen king adaptation, and fathered a bastard elf.

All it takes is a kid telling his dad business is all her cares about to save his soul. Yup, that's how christmas movies work. "you're a bad man, no one loves you" "uhhhh I need to be good" that there is like every single christmas movie.

I'm pretty sure Santa fucking hates Buddy.
There's no christmas spirit? yeah well after the recession hit, people are homeless, people are struggling to make ends meet and kids are still wanting wanting wanting. Santa Claus needs to get off of his fucking high reindeer.

material possessions equals christmas spirit.
So the more you get the more you care about christmas spirit. It's all about property.. sound familiar? #occupychristmas

another shot another beer

Zoey looks like she has pink eye in this movie..

The part where the best way to spread christmas cheer is to sing loud so all can hear? Yeah I sang it.. My brother David wouldn't. He hates christmas. I'm trying to get in the spirit... he's holding me back.

So the movie ends on a happy ending, everyone loves christmas, and each other. and they win.
the capalists win. the fat cats, the men in the suits.. congrats santa, the elves and everyone who conspires to make money in december. You win, we lose.

Merry Christmas,


The day after:
I'm undecided if I should edit the post and fix the spelling errors or if I should keep it the way it is. I mean I wrote it drunk, I leave it untouched right? I do know how to spell naughty, but last night I couldn't wrap my head around it. I think to stay true to what this is about, someone drunk reviewing a movie that I need to leave it as is. Spelling errors, and all. Also, you can follow me here twentynineyears

1 comment:

  1. 'i like to smile, it's my favourite' plus 'saaaaaaannnnnnnnnta!!!!" equals the most awesomest thing ever.