Monday, 26 December 2011

A Christmas Carol - A Drunken Holiday Movie Review

So last night, was obviously Christmas. I hope that Santa was as good to you as he was to me. I am now the proud owner of a brand new MacBook air and I figured I would christen it by posting a drunken movie review.

I know that I’m deviating from the original movie list I was given, so consider this a little gift from me to you! In the spirit of Christmas, my family settled down to watch “Disney’s A Christmas Carol”. Now, I got all excited thinking that it was the version with Mickey and Goofy and all the other delightful original Disney characters, but no. This was the other more recent Disney version, where everything looks like the Polar Express. I don’t understand this type of animation. They make it look so realistic, that it’s a wonder why they don’t just hire real actors and film the movie.

Anyways... might I digress from bitching and get on with the review.

If you don’t know Charles Dickens “A Christmas Carol”, then you probably live under a rock. It’s the story of an old miser named Scrooge that finds his Christmas spirit after three ghosts haunt him. He suddenly becomes nice and everything is perfect and Christmas is saved.  Basically, it’s one giant CHRISTMAS MIRACLE…

Oh, and in the spirit of Christmas my family was drinking both cheap red wine, and margaritas. Nothing says Christmas like Patron and Jimmy Buffets margarita maker. I got this for my birthday last year and I have to say, everyone should buy their alcoholic friends one of these. They're genius.

General Observations:

  • -       Is Jim Carrey always going to play a grumpy person with no Christmas spirit? First the Grinch, and now this?! I guess after he’s been all those shitty movies (ie. Fun with Dick and Jane and Mr. Poppers Penguins) Jim seems to be hard up for work.

  • -       When I’m old and grumpy, I’m going to withdraw all my money from the bank and count my gold, just like Scrooge. I’ll spend my days counting money and hating people and life in general.

  • -       The animation seriously freaks me out. I think that Disney was just cheap and decided that animation would be easier because then they wouldn’t have to deal with any diva antics/scheduling follies with the actors.

  • -       I started reciting Charles Dickens to my family, because I am both drunk, and an English major and therefore have had Dickens shoved down my throat because he’s a literary geniuuuuuus.

  • -       Why does the ghost of Christmases past have a FLAME FOR A HEAD?! Seriously. Everyone else is a person, a grim reaper, and he’s a fucking candle?! Lamest ghost ever.

  • -       The ghost of Christmases present has the greatest laugh ever, although after about 10 minutes of him I want to throw something at the TV. No one can be that jolly, not even a ghost.

  • -       Also, the GOCP (ghost of Christmases present) sits on a pile of presents. That’s pretty pimp.

  • -       I’ll give this crappy movie a little merit by saying that I enjoyed how the ghost of the future was a shadow. It added to the creepy feeling of his whole presence.  

  • -       So… I decided that this movie isn’t about just Scrooge; it’s basically about all cranky old people in general.  

  • -       Wouldn’t Scrooge be freakin’ exhausted after his night with three ghosts!? When I woke up after that harrowing experience, I would probably just want to go for a nap, not go out and celebrate Christmas.

  • -       Also… when did Scrooge become so attached to Tiny Tim? I mean, before his ghost experience he didn’t even know the kid existed and then suddenly he’s like a second father to him!?

All in all, I give this two measly small snowballs out of five. I prefer the Muppets version of this movie, or even the original Disney version. Jim Carrey should probably quit making Christmas movies, and use his probably ginormous salary from Disney to make a new Ace Ventura movie.

I hope you all had a Happy Holiday. Until next time, I am going to go and drink more margaritas and try not to pass out under my Christmas tree.


Friday, 16 December 2011

Edward Scissorhands

Tonight I was invited over to my cousin Sarah's house to watch Edward Scissorhands. What a great moment to do a new post!

I drank 4 keystone and then I drank another one in the shower. Tip: If you are rushed for time, or are an alcoholic, drink in the shower. It's totally awesome and you save time.

After I got to Sarah's house I drank the last of my six pack and then dug into my Grower's Peach Cider. This is what is going to get me drunk tonight. The movie is kinda feminine right? Johnny Depp, love? might as well use that as an excuse to drink my girlie drinks.

I am also taking shots of sourpuss tonight, and I need to say Sarah is staying sober which is unfortunate.. she truly is one of the most hilarious and amazing people in the world. She's more or less me with a vagina. We share the same sense of humor and personality.. When we are both drinking together, we can change the world (or at least embarrass everyone we know) I will double drink for the both of us.

So the movie is Edward Scissorhands.
The dude's got scissors for hands, and it's how snow is made.. so if you've taken weather in school you were taught wrong. Hollywood teaches you the right way.

little boxes made out of ticky tacky, little boxes on the hillside...

Man Dianne drives a bitchin' car.


This movie starts off weird, and makes zero sense off the hop. If you're on board.. By all means rock the fuck out. but this guy? uhhhh no. WHY WOULD SHE TAKE HIM WITH HER? WHY WOULD HE ACCEPT IT. THEY ARE BOTH FUCKING WEIRD TO EACH OTHER.

I can appreciate the Phil Spector/Robert Smith hair that Tim threw on Johnny Depp.
I wonder if Dianne West is DTF, because if she is.. I am too.. If she's not, then I'm just curious.

Who has a Dr. friend that can help with scissor hands.. Does that come up in Dr. School.. And those gossipers are a bunch of word sluts.. Feel free to use that terminology.. Word Sluts..

Also, I texted Sammi asking what I should refer to this movie as seeing as it was giving me the creeps and giving me a hard on. Answer? Scare Boner. I love you Sammi.

Surbabanities are jerks.
This will be my tweet for the night.

I've decided when I get old I want to look like Vincent Price.

I've been fighting with Sarah tonight about who directed this movie.. I say John waters, she says tim burton. I could imdb this but I rather just yell at her.

You can't buy the necessities of life with cookies. No duh.

Is this a movie about peculiar people in a normal situation or is it a movie about peculiar situations with a normal person. Who is the weirdo here? Edward is way more normal in a decency situation compared to all of these hens.. pecking pecking..

I think if I was this good with my hands, women would be lining up.. absolutely.. no complaints about this guy

According to this movie, hair cutting and fucking brings the same pleasure. And the most fucked up haircuts are the most pleasurable.

I wonder how he's going to cut Peg's hair.. she makes her look like a porn queen. It is wild!

Smock modeling equals sexy time...
this movie is more fucked up than my worst nightmares.

I have decided that paying attention to a movie whilst being drunk is as hard as not having sex at a gang bang. While your intentions are honest, you shouldn't be showing your cooch while  trying to pay attention. I am fucked, and I have no idea what happened.

I've been texting, tweeting, and yelling a lot at my cousin's 11 year old son. I think this movie is good, or sentimental, or funny, or horrible.

Coolest person in this movie is Peg's husband. I  have no idea what his name is but I am sure he's super bad ass. I think when he's not around his family he is pumping iron, pulling kittens down from trees, flexing, and cock thrusting. This guy is legit. This guy is cut from my loin.. you know.. he's like me.. perfect... but with more polyester.

what damage can those hands do to other people, lets see: make married women want to cheat, ruin gardening, and pop waterbeds... Those cripples and their sharp fingernails.

And now is the chase scene where edward runs away.. seriously, if the cops from surburban america can't catch an awkward running scissor dude... the nazis should just take over. Just take them over.. they can't even stop a dude who can barely run while they are driving their vehicles.
Side note: I'm sure I am going to hate how I write surburban tomorrow.. but tonight I can't figure it out. Those surburban people are a bunch of  broccoli dicks... weird and useless.

I think Edward is a little bit like Eric from The Crow... Gothic, emo, awkward, and bad ass. If my kid wants to marry him, Id be down for that but I want a free concert or a free hair cut.. or both. Get in my good books scissorhands.. you need to wow me before you wow my daughter.

Edward lives, love lives... I think I would like this movie if I was sober And a girl.


Whats with movies when I grew up that were super cool and now I fucking hate them. Should I watch other movies from my childhood to taint the rest of my life? Fuck this shit. Fuck this movie, and fuck nostalgia.

My childhood is tainted now.. I hate myself, life, and cinema.. but I love peach cider.

Saturday, 10 December 2011

Finding Nemo - Sammi

WARNING: I have not edited this bad boy for the purpose of being both honest, and buzzed. Enjoy my bad spelling and grammar.

After giving Eric his amazing list of 5 movies to choose from, he reciprocated by giving me: 

Tommy Boy
Top Gun
Finding Nemo
Paul Blart: Mall Cop

Since I have no holiday spirit, I decided on “Finding Nemo”. Truthfully, I’ve only seen this movie once in my life. I owned the video game for Xbox, but always wanted to throw my controller through the TV when I reached the level with the sharks and landmines.


I decided that since this movie is basically about the ocean, I should only stick to drinking blue (ocean) and orange (clown fish colored drinks.. yeah I spell color the American way.. worst English major ever). Therefore I made the classy choice of drinking hypnotique and orange sour puss. 

Eric, obviously you think rasperberry sourpuss is superior to orange.. you are corrrrrrect my friend, orange was a CRAPPY CHOICE. This tastes like cough syrup. Mixed with hypnotique, this was the worst choice ever, but I named it AQUA MAN. Because no one likes Aqua Man, not even Aqua Man likes Aqua Man. 

The movie: 

- I decided that drinking a shot every time they said ‘Nemo’ would be a good idea. I was drunk about 15 minutes into the movie. 
- The beginning of the movie was so sad, I was both emotionally and physically ruined because I had one too many, and Nemo’s mom died. Had to pause the movie for both a few tears and to replenish my Aqua Man drank. 
- I would hate to have an unfunny clownfish as my father. Also, he totally ruined his child’s first day of school by being an overbearing stage mom. 
- How can that little fish be ‘h20 intolerant’? He lives in the ocean.. Wouldn’t he die?! 
- I want to ride a stingray to school. I think that’s the drink talking though, I’ll never forget what a stingray did to Steve Irwin. 
- I spent way too much time pondering about that fish’s allergy to water. I am progressively drunker as the movie progresses. 
- I would have ditched Dory about 10 minutes in. 
- William Dafoe’s voice scares me. He seriously makes the scariest fish. No wonder Nemo was so afraid of him. Sweet scar though. 
- I have decided William Dafoe is scary because I watched him in Anti-Christ and he was ejaculating blood. Yeah, his use in this children’s film is a little much for me. You can’t take back that image once you’ve seen that movie.
- Also… when they make Nemo crawl through the filter, do you think that’s considered child labor? I mean, by rights, these fish are breaking all kinds of laws. Yep. I think I’ve had too much to drink. 
- The tank gang’s initiation of Nemo… cult related? I think so. 
- MY BUBBLES! MY BUBBLES! I would be this fish, if I were to magically turn into a fish.
- SHARK BAIT.. HOO NA NA. I am laughing hysterically because it sounds funny. 
- Typical. Men don’t want to stop and ask for directions. Ohhhhhh blatent sexism in movies. Even better in children’s movies.


- Too drunk to fix anything, so I watch it in all it’s skipped glory. The dialogue is all wonky. 

- The disc gave out, and I find myself watching the DVD title page for 10 minutes. I decide to text Eric instead with SHARK BAIT HOO NANA! 

And.. it’s time to pass out after one too many Aqua Man’s. Did I mention I have to be up at 3:00am to catch an early flight to Vegas?? Such a champ, but I know once I get off the plane, it’s right to the casino bar for me. 

Until next time my friends, stay classy, and don’t ever mix hynotique with orange sourpuss. 

I forgot to take pictures, I promise for next round I will do that. But I’m not as pretty as Eric, so I can’t make any promises of their quality or merit. 

Happy Holidays, now I’m off to Vegas to lose all my money. 


Friday, 9 December 2011

Elf AKA #occupychristmas - Eric's Review

Sammi gave me a list of 5 movies to choose from:

The Shining
Requiem for a Dream
Slumdog Millionaire
How the Grinch Stole Christmas

I decided that since I've seen all 5 movies I should start this blog off on a festive note. I picked Elf.
 I've seen the movie countless times but never drunk.

To give you a heads up on what this blog is about: I watch a movie  from a list that Sammi gives me and I then get drunk and watch it. I also will do the same for her and she'll in turn right a drunken review on the film she selected. This blog will involve pictures, texts, tweets, and videos. We are going all out on this blog.

Since this is a festive movie I decided to get into the festive spirit. I'm wearing a tie with happy faces and santa hats on it, and a mickey mouse santa claus hat that I have no idea where I got it from or how it became my possession. I have a feeling I stole it from a kid.

The first drink is Bailey and Eggnog:
The glass was about half bailey's and half eggnog. I didn't mix is very well and at first it was super smooth and I was quite surprised by all the alcohol towards the end. Needless to say it hit me pretty hard.

After finishing up the christmasnog (I just coined it.) I had a shot of sourpuss.
I'm pretty sure I tried all the different flavours of Sourpuss and Raspberry is by far the way to go. If you want to get all uppity about any other flavour of Sourpuss being better than Raspberry well all I can say is you're fucking retarded.

While drinking my first beer I sent off this text to Sammi:
I drank a shitload of baileys, did a shot of sourpuss and drinking this beer and then putting the movie on. I am so ready for christmas orgasms for my eyes.

The movie:
I've decided to drink only when the word elf is used, snow, christmas.
and after every beer I will do a shot.

If you haven't seen Elf, it's about a human, raised as an elf who goes to find his dad who's on the notty list and everyone hates christmas or something like that.


I drank about 20 times in the first 3 minutes
the title sequence is probably awesome for a 4 year old.. I'm 30 and I am bored as fuck right now.
is the nun one of the only birds that can't fly?
6 minutes in and I need to take a shot.

These elves are stupid. little buddy's diapers so they name him buddy?
fucking elves.

It's clever that the lack of christmas spirit makes the sleigh not fly, and it all started in the 60's.

Text to Sammi 10 minutes in: Baileys eggnog hotwings and beer bad combination.
I've also decided if I end up puking tonight there will be photo or video evidence.

you know buddy your father well he's on the notty list..
Yeah.. this is like the real dilemma of the movie or something? an older man not believing in christmas and he's all about business? seriously? Christmas Spirit isn't what everyone needs. Hell I have christmas spirit and that hasn't chipped away at my huge amount of debt. I can tell you right now, this very second that christmas spirit means something, to some people, but those people are like the 1%. us 99er's gotta work to make ends meet.. I'm going to occupy christmas. This is bullshit. I am protesting the rest of this movie and christmas.

Okay yeah the movie is still on.. but seriously, who has christmas spirit? do they lose it after the new year rolls over? does it hibernate? I don't get this.

I like to smile, it's my favourite. I love that line.

And in comes Zoey Deschenal. va va va va va va va va va va voom. I'd like to jingle her bells if you know what I mean.

Woah and Ted Danson's wife is in this? she's super hot. I'd like to jingle her bells.. oh wait nevermind.

When Zoey is singing Baby it's cold outside (which is by far the creepiest songs ever recorded. The dude is trying to date rape some chick.)  It's a very sweet moment. Also, Zoey's band She & Him recorded a christmas album which has Baby it's cold outside but she sings the part of the man. It's a mind fuck. She's date raping M. Ward.

Is that Artie Lang as the fake santa? that's all kinds of wrongs.

I'm not going to lie, this movie has funny and sweet moments. I'm just part of the 99er's club, I'm occupying christmas and if I cave in, then what am I? one of the ones? I can't be that guy.

According to Elf, to get a book from being approved to getting it published, on the shelves, and to have the numbers out takes about 2 days. Talk about fast tracking. I still can't get anyone to read my fucking blog and this dude's putting out books and getting numbers back?

55 minutes in time for another shot.

I tweeted this and I've been getting new followers and feedback thanks to @kikiplanet:
so my drunken movie review has gotten a little side track... I've decided to occupy christmas.

I think this could be a movement. How does one occupy christmas? Do I hang out at a nativity scene?
this guy started following me: @anirishgayman he suggested I start selling my body to make ends meet. Now if that's not the christmas spirit I don't know what is. (also I am worth 300 on the first line and 50 for the extras)

Miles Finch, the golden goose. AKA the dude in Game of thrones that rocks.

I do appreciate the sweetness of this, okay okay, I do have a sweet spot for christmas.. don't tell anyone. I'm trying to #occupychristmas

By the way, James Caan is the only actor in the world to be in a mafia movie, a stephen king adaptation, and fathered a bastard elf.

All it takes is a kid telling his dad business is all her cares about to save his soul. Yup, that's how christmas movies work. "you're a bad man, no one loves you" "uhhhh I need to be good" that there is like every single christmas movie.

I'm pretty sure Santa fucking hates Buddy.
There's no christmas spirit? yeah well after the recession hit, people are homeless, people are struggling to make ends meet and kids are still wanting wanting wanting. Santa Claus needs to get off of his fucking high reindeer.

material possessions equals christmas spirit.
So the more you get the more you care about christmas spirit. It's all about property.. sound familiar? #occupychristmas

another shot another beer

Zoey looks like she has pink eye in this movie..

The part where the best way to spread christmas cheer is to sing loud so all can hear? Yeah I sang it.. My brother David wouldn't. He hates christmas. I'm trying to get in the spirit... he's holding me back.

So the movie ends on a happy ending, everyone loves christmas, and each other. and they win.
the capalists win. the fat cats, the men in the suits.. congrats santa, the elves and everyone who conspires to make money in december. You win, we lose.

Merry Christmas,


The day after:
I'm undecided if I should edit the post and fix the spelling errors or if I should keep it the way it is. I mean I wrote it drunk, I leave it untouched right? I do know how to spell naughty, but last night I couldn't wrap my head around it. I think to stay true to what this is about, someone drunk reviewing a movie that I need to leave it as is. Spelling errors, and all. Also, you can follow me here twentynineyears