Friday, 16 December 2011

Edward Scissorhands

Tonight I was invited over to my cousin Sarah's house to watch Edward Scissorhands. What a great moment to do a new post!

I drank 4 keystone and then I drank another one in the shower. Tip: If you are rushed for time, or are an alcoholic, drink in the shower. It's totally awesome and you save time.

After I got to Sarah's house I drank the last of my six pack and then dug into my Grower's Peach Cider. This is what is going to get me drunk tonight. The movie is kinda feminine right? Johnny Depp, love? might as well use that as an excuse to drink my girlie drinks.

I am also taking shots of sourpuss tonight, and I need to say Sarah is staying sober which is unfortunate.. she truly is one of the most hilarious and amazing people in the world. She's more or less me with a vagina. We share the same sense of humor and personality.. When we are both drinking together, we can change the world (or at least embarrass everyone we know) I will double drink for the both of us.

So the movie is Edward Scissorhands.
The dude's got scissors for hands, and it's how snow is made.. so if you've taken weather in school you were taught wrong. Hollywood teaches you the right way.

little boxes made out of ticky tacky, little boxes on the hillside...

Man Dianne drives a bitchin' car.


This movie starts off weird, and makes zero sense off the hop. If you're on board.. By all means rock the fuck out. but this guy? uhhhh no. WHY WOULD SHE TAKE HIM WITH HER? WHY WOULD HE ACCEPT IT. THEY ARE BOTH FUCKING WEIRD TO EACH OTHER.

I can appreciate the Phil Spector/Robert Smith hair that Tim threw on Johnny Depp.
I wonder if Dianne West is DTF, because if she is.. I am too.. If she's not, then I'm just curious.

Who has a Dr. friend that can help with scissor hands.. Does that come up in Dr. School.. And those gossipers are a bunch of word sluts.. Feel free to use that terminology.. Word Sluts..

Also, I texted Sammi asking what I should refer to this movie as seeing as it was giving me the creeps and giving me a hard on. Answer? Scare Boner. I love you Sammi.

Surbabanities are jerks.
This will be my tweet for the night.

I've decided when I get old I want to look like Vincent Price.

I've been fighting with Sarah tonight about who directed this movie.. I say John waters, she says tim burton. I could imdb this but I rather just yell at her.

You can't buy the necessities of life with cookies. No duh.

Is this a movie about peculiar people in a normal situation or is it a movie about peculiar situations with a normal person. Who is the weirdo here? Edward is way more normal in a decency situation compared to all of these hens.. pecking pecking..

I think if I was this good with my hands, women would be lining up.. absolutely.. no complaints about this guy

According to this movie, hair cutting and fucking brings the same pleasure. And the most fucked up haircuts are the most pleasurable.

I wonder how he's going to cut Peg's hair.. she makes her look like a porn queen. It is wild!

Smock modeling equals sexy time...
this movie is more fucked up than my worst nightmares.

I have decided that paying attention to a movie whilst being drunk is as hard as not having sex at a gang bang. While your intentions are honest, you shouldn't be showing your cooch while  trying to pay attention. I am fucked, and I have no idea what happened.

I've been texting, tweeting, and yelling a lot at my cousin's 11 year old son. I think this movie is good, or sentimental, or funny, or horrible.

Coolest person in this movie is Peg's husband. I  have no idea what his name is but I am sure he's super bad ass. I think when he's not around his family he is pumping iron, pulling kittens down from trees, flexing, and cock thrusting. This guy is legit. This guy is cut from my loin.. you know.. he's like me.. perfect... but with more polyester.

what damage can those hands do to other people, lets see: make married women want to cheat, ruin gardening, and pop waterbeds... Those cripples and their sharp fingernails.

And now is the chase scene where edward runs away.. seriously, if the cops from surburban america can't catch an awkward running scissor dude... the nazis should just take over. Just take them over.. they can't even stop a dude who can barely run while they are driving their vehicles.
Side note: I'm sure I am going to hate how I write surburban tomorrow.. but tonight I can't figure it out. Those surburban people are a bunch of  broccoli dicks... weird and useless.

I think Edward is a little bit like Eric from The Crow... Gothic, emo, awkward, and bad ass. If my kid wants to marry him, Id be down for that but I want a free concert or a free hair cut.. or both. Get in my good books scissorhands.. you need to wow me before you wow my daughter.

Edward lives, love lives... I think I would like this movie if I was sober And a girl.


Whats with movies when I grew up that were super cool and now I fucking hate them. Should I watch other movies from my childhood to taint the rest of my life? Fuck this shit. Fuck this movie, and fuck nostalgia.

My childhood is tainted now.. I hate myself, life, and cinema.. but I love peach cider.

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